Phaedra Fallen

“The devil that you know is better than the one you don’t”

Goodbye sex is bittersweet. Violent, amazing, exhausting, delicious and rough but still bittersweet. He grabbed my neck and looked at me while I rode him and said ‘right now, I can only think of you,’ and I almost started crying. I’m now alone in my own bed instead of his. It’s an odd feeling. A sad feeling.

A lot has happened in the last week. A lot of changes have occurred. Some for the better, some for the worst and some that just plain hurt. I’m not going to go into what happened on this blog. It’s not my place. What happened this week is between X and I, and it’s mostly X’s story to tell. And I happen to know he would not want it told on this blog.

He and I are broken right now. But we’re trying to get to the point where we can fix things. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be as close. And we won’t be sleeping together anymore. But I hope we can fix things. Because I’m hurt really bad right now. And I hate it.

I thought about taking down my blog. But I can’t do that. I want to keep writing, to keep writing this.

My chest hurts bad right now. I got through this weekend with a steady stream of tequila. I’m hoping things get better from here. Because right now, I feel like the world is leaving me helpless and alone.

“Like lonely ghosts at a roadside cross we stay because we don’t know where else to go.“

[Song]

Already loyal readers, I know I haven’t posted much, but I need your help!

I’m attempting to figure out what to be for halloween and there are SO many costumes I want! So dear readers, give me your input!! Here are the choices I’m considering:

Slave Girl Leia: X is really rooting for me to be this for halloween. And I’m definitely not opposed to it! Might be a bit cold though….

Naughty School Girl: I personally really, really like this one.

Naughty Nurse: X has a bit of a Nurse fetish so he’s probably really like this one.

Military Something Or Other: I just think this one is damn cute!

Sexy Kitten: I really like this one. But it’s a bit expensive for me….

Playboy Bunny: Just plain sexy and classic.

So readers. Let me know via comments or email, which costume you’d like to see me wear this year! I’m thinking of buying two, so give me your top two if you’d like. Or even other suggestions you think I’d look good in!

And I’m not afraid to whore myself out a bit. I’m a poor college student. And if one of my generous readers offers to fund my Halloween costume this year I’d be more than happy to do a special photoshoot in my costume just for them.

Life has been REALLY busy recently.

• I had swine flu for about week. X got it then gave it to me when I took care of him. It is HELL. I had a terrible cough for over a week and a fever of 102 for about 2 or 3 days. I’m all better now though.
• I just got diagnosed with ADHD. It explains a lot my behaviors in school for the past 15 or so years. It’s nice to know that it’s not that I lack the motivation to do well, it’s just that my brain doesn’t make enough adrenaline to focus properly. I should be starting meds here within a week or two.
• School has been kicking my butt. Hardcore. It’s not overwhelming, it’s just a lot.
• I don’t know if I mentioned it, but now X is very much single and The Girlfriend is now The Ex.
• Went home with X and met his family this past weekend. They’re insane and amazing. And only slightly overwhelming.
• I know I haven’t been posting much recently but my brain has just been utterly preoccupied. I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things with posts. I also seriously need to catch up on reviews. I feel like a terrible person.
• Sex with X has been fucking amazing the past week or so. But more on that hopefully in some fun posts in the next couple days.

I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for HNT this week so I brought my camera over X’s.

I asked him what I should do and he wasn’t sure. Then he opened a bag of blue, gummy sharks. He looked at me, looked at the gummies then suggested he take a photo of the gummies on my boobs. I had no better ideas for my HNT photo and I found his idea funny. So there you go. Random gummies on my boobs photo brought to you courtesy of X!

Sex apparently counts as strenuous activity.

I’m horny as all hell and X is unable to fuck me, even if he wanted to. Swine flu and being in bed sick for a week gave X DVT. Deep Vein Thrombosis. In other words he got two big blood clots in his left calf. And now he’s on bloodthinners. Two different types. A pill and one the poor thing has to inject with a needle himself. So basically. If we have sex. He could throw a clot and die. And since I’d really rather that not happen…….no sex. Pout.

So, I think all of my readers should send X some positive thoughts and well wishes so he can get better soon. And I’m not saying this at all because I want him to be able to fuck me…..nope……not at all……..

I have had sex in blanket fort. Be jealous.

This past weekend both X and I had swine flu so we spent the weekend just laying about X’s apartment because…..well……we really didn’t have a choice. He got sick first. Then I got sick a few days later. But in the midst of all that there was about a day where we both felt pretty okay. 

So what did we do? We rented a movie and turned his living room into a blanket fort. We draped his bedsheets over chairs and his tower-fan and his futon. It made a nice little cave for us to watch our movie in. And us being us? Well…..it didn’t take very long before he was on top of me, kissing my neck and grinding against my ass. And it didn’t take very much more time for my clothing to be left in a pile on the floor as he slid his cock into me. 

He fucked me. In a blanket fort. While we watched ‘Watchmen.’ Wow……..I feel like a HUGE dork admitting that……..I mean……..wow. Blanket fort and dorky comic book movie? Score! I win more nerd points. 

We eventually did move to the bedroom as my stomach was starting to get rugburn…..but still. Blanket fort. I so totally win at life for that one. 

I think people sometimes take kissing for granted.

Go a week without being able to kiss anyone and you’ll discover a brand new appreciation for the act. It really is impressive the breadth and depth kissing can add to human emotion. For the past I don’t even know how many years I’ve gotten cold sores on a regular basis. My grandmother gets them and since I’ve been getting them since before I started kissing boys I can only assume I shared a glass or a fork or a cookie with her while she was contagious. And let me tell you, they SUCK. Not only do they take over one side of my lip but they hurt and itch and are nasty in general.

The worst part? I cant kiss people when I have them. And for some reason, this most recent cold sore that I am just currently healing from, has made me realize how important your lips are when it comes to expressing emotions.

During sex nothing can replace the passion and lust that kissing ignites. Starting from a slow meshing of lips and  building into something more as hand wander and bodies press. Without lips you can’t swallow the moans of another. You can’t bite and tease and nibble. Sex is just bodies joined at the hips without kissing. Kissing closes the circuit. Kissing is what completes the act. It makes everything come full circle.

And when comfort is needed a hug only goes so far. The quick press of lips against the corner of a mouth or on a neck or a cheek can speak volumes of comfort. I feel like lips can express so much more than arms. Pulling someone close and pressing lips hard against a forehead can  transmit the unconditional love of a sister for a brother. A soft brush against a neck can be a signal of comfort for someone you care about. A soft peck on a cheek can say ‘I love you mom, goodnight’ just as well as the words themselves.

When you lose the ablity to kiss you lose the ablity to speak without words. It’s so very hard to figure out why lips add so much to the expression of emotions. I’d like to think that we associate so much with the mouth. Breathing. Speaking. Smiling. Frowning. Singing. Yelling. Screaming. Whispering. All human emotion can be tied to the mouth and the lips. So kissing is the ultimate expression of unspoken communication. I’d like to think that words can’t express some kinds of love and care and comfort fully. So kisses try to take all those emotions and transfer it, skin to skin. Transfer it in the rawest most basic way possible.