If Only It Was Simple

1 09 2008

I’ve found out all too well that sex is never simple.

Feelings are spiking up once again. I’m getting annoyed at the simplest and most trivial things. I’m snapping at X and picking fights. He was home all this weekend and I guess it just set me on edge because I knew he was with his girlfriend all weekend.

He got home at like 130 and I talked to him online a bit but I had homework so I didn’t bug him about coming over. At 330 I texted him to come over. He never responded. So I go to dinner with BFJ around 5. X texts me ‘Come let me in’ then calls a few minutes later. I told him I was at dinner with BFJ because he hadn’t responded and it had been going on two hours, I had left. He sounded annoyed with me and I sounded just as annoyed back. I told him I didn’t just sit around and wait for people, I had a life. He told me I sucked and he was going to go home and cry now.

Later, I get home and get online. He IMs me. We exchange pleasentries and I ask if he’s going to come over tonight. He replies “we’ll see” which in X-speak means “I don’t feel like hearing you whine if I flat out say no.” I say whatever and ask how he is. He replies that he’s happy because he finally figured out how to video chat with his girlfriend. For some reason that just irked me. It set me off. I told him I was going to go read and he just said ‘cya.’ I then said, “And since I figure you’re not coming over tonight I guess I’ll just see you in class tomorrow.”

“Sigh….I’ll come over later.”

“No. It’s okay. You obviously don’t feel like coming over today. It’s fine.”

“Sigh…You’re good at guilting.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Whatever.”

“You going to be home tonight?”

“Dunno.”

“……Sigh…..”

I know I acted like I brat but I don’t fucking care. He makes me feel like it’s a burden to be my friend at times and it just pisses me off. I have serious feelings for him and he knows it. And I just feel like everything is so fucking unfair.

I want him so badly. I want him to be mine so badly. But little things just keep reminding me that he’s “madly in love” with his whore of a girlfriend. And it hurts. And I fucking hate this so fucking much.

And I’m pathetic. I sleep with him because I love sex and I’m too lazy to find someone else. And I also do it because it makes me feel closer to him and because the thought of not being able to kiss him makes me so upset.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.