I told him to leave it be.
As stated in my previous post 1% my feelings for X were sort of surfacing again. And I don’t like when that happens. It usually only takes me about a week to push them back down again. But he had to bug me. He had to ask what was wrong. And he wouldn’t take ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ or ‘it’s not a big deal’ for an answer. He bugged and bugged and bugged until he figured it out.
And he told me:
-I’m just a best friend and that’s all I’ll ever be.
-That my breakdowns make me too high maintenance for a girlfriend
-That he will go to the end of the world for his friends, but he expects to not have to do that in a relationship.
-The sex we have is just because we both have physical needs.
-I would be unhappy with him. He couldn’t explain why. But I just would be.
And I was a bad person. He said maybe we need to change things. I said maybe we shouldn’t be friends and I got out of the car. Not because I actually believed that but because I couldn’t stand to have him see me breakdown.
I walked inside and I couldn’t make it up the stairs. I pressed my forehead to the wall and sobbed. It was so unfair to me. The guy is damn near perfect for me and I try to not think about that 99% of the time, but he caught me when I was weak and now I’m breaking down.
He ruined our friendship. At least I think he did. I don’t know. I just KNOW things are going to end up being awkward and it’s killing me.
I can’t stop crying. And it’s not because he broke my heart again. Because he didn’t. He hurt me a little. But mostly I’m just upset at the unfairness.
I know he can read this blog, but I feel no shame or remorse in saying that I think him and his girlfriend are wrong for each other. Terribly wrong. I’ve seen her throw him about. I’ve seen her guilt him into things. And he really is blind to it. And that’s part of the thing that kills me too. That he can’t see what’s beyond his own damn nose most days.
I just hope that we can salvage our friendship and our sexual relationship.
Maybe you should break it all off with him.
Best way to let go..
If all he wants is the sex and you want more your never going to get it.
One mistake women make is that they try to get men to change. Another is that they can be very stubborn in relationships, they know the relationship is horrible or simply not going anywhere, yet stick it out causing more stress.
If you were able to have ZERO feelings for him beyond what is there (friendship and fucking), then I would say to salvage. But that’s not the case. And by perpetuating it a bit on his part by acting boyfriendish at times, he’s just leading it in the wrong direction.
To then say those things to you with seemingly little tact, it just doesn’t speak well to him as a person. Of course neither does the whole cheating thing….
Sure, the sex is great. You appreciate his friendship and you’re really close. BUT he’s not the only fish in the sea, especially for you – you’re young, beautiful, smart, and just all around a damn good catch. Not to sound cliched but….you deserve better. He’s having his cake and fucking it too. He’s got a -great- thing going here.
In his defense he did say them with tact. It was just easier to write out a list for this post.
<3 Z
Poor lovely Z. I think my BMF has this kind of issue with me… and it constantly messes with the quality of our friendship.
I hope you come to a place without tears.
Yes poor lovely Z. I’m not a fan of complicated relationships for myself, although I admit they are quite entertain to observe. I think you’re too good for him. You deserve someone who will choose you.
Another familiar tale… My advice would be to walk away before you get hurt but it sounds like it’s too late for that so instead I would say walk away anyway and hope that he realizes that you were right all along and comes looking for you when it’s right.
I’m sorry but I can’t really feel badly for you. He’s laid it all out on the table. He has a girlfriend that he supposedly loves and wants to marry. He’s made the situation pretty clear. Is he a douchebag for acting like a boyfriend and as though you have a shot with him? Yes. His actions don’t necessarily match his words. But you know the deal. You know he’s using you for sex. And you know he’s not leaving his girlfriend. So, it’s up to you to either cut off the sex, continue with the sex but cut out the feelings, or continue the sex and the feelings and hope he changes his mind. I wouldn’t bank on the latter. I would just cut the sex, keep the friend, and find someone who wants to be with you. You should have never gotten sexually involved with him in the first place. He was emotionally unavailable to you from day 1 – he belongs to someone else. Find your own guy, Z. Someone just for you who loves you and wants ONLY you. You should never play second fiddle to anyone. From what I’ve read about you, you seem smarter than that. Your relationship with him demeans you and your intelligence. You’re a smart girl. You know what the right thing to do is. Question is, will you do it?
I don’t check my email every second and I don’t have time to update comments as soon as they come in, give it a day or so, sometimes a week, and I’ll get the comments up. I have a life and I am busy. Thank you for your opinions, but did you really need to post two comments saying kinda different things? It’s the exact same IP address. If you were trying to sound like two different people you failed. I’m not in the mood to have people telling me what I should do. Thanks for the advice but I’m going to do what I want to do regardless of what everyone else posts here.
-Z
I don’t understand why he blames these ‘breakdowns’ on you or calls you out on them like this – best thing for him to do would be to leave it and let you get over them. And it’s not like you can control when/if feelings for him come up.
Although, if you still feel a bit for him – even if it’s just a tiny percentage – it will inevitably complicate things.
I often think the same about C and his gf – that they’re all wrong for each other, and I often wrack my brains wondering *why* they’re still together when she often gets angry at him for no good reason and treats him very bitchily when he’s nothing but good to her
It’s frustrating, but what can be done about it?