Quarter Life Crisis?

26 03 2009

Today has been the day of reminding Z of how she is alone.

To begin, I found the girl who used to babysit my younger brother and drive me around on Facebook today. I haven’t talked to her in roughly 3 or 4 years. What happened was, I got my driver’s liensce and she finished massothearpy school. My mom didn’t need her anymore and she got a job in Pittsburgh and moved away. I didn’t really ever hear from her again.

Well, checking out her Facebook page, she’s married now and has a gorgeous almost one year old daughter. I was thrown for a loop. She graduated highschool the year before I got there. She left in ‘03 and I left in ‘07. She was never really my babysitter, but more my close friend. We listened to music and watched Ellen DeGeneres and rented movies and just hung out. I went to her with my boy problems. And I honestly blame her with making me a little bit cooler than my dorky self in highschool. We’d stop by her house so I could play with her cats and talk to her mom. My freshman year, when my one friend had the first annual ‘Fake Prom’ (we were too young to attend the real Prom, so we made our own.) she let me try on all her old dresses and let me borrow this shiny pink one I loved and still associate with a certain boy who I was infatuated with at the time.

She has a kid. And she’s married. And has a life. It weirds me out. I’m getting older. And it scares me. Yeah, she’s older than me, but she was my peer, my friend. And it’s an odd feeling to know that a formerly close friend is now married.

And then this evening I found out a girl who I’ll call Verity and her boyfriend Jake just got engaged. I was honestly thrown for a loop. Verity graduated with me. She was actually semi-a part of my group of friends through out highschool. I was never close with her because she never ‘approved of me.’ If I wanted to hang out with her back in Middle School I had to ’stop being so annoying and hyper.’ This was relayed to me by my best friend at the time. (She is no longer such. And hasn’t been for a while.) I told her politely to tell Verity to fuck off. Obviously I said this in more middle school terms but still, this was one of my first instances of a backbone. (Even if I ran to my room and cried about it after.)

So obviously, I never really liked Verity. So the end of my junior year, I developed a crush on a boy who frequented the art room about the same time I did. I knew him through some older friends of mine, and despite only having a few conversations with him, I liked him quite a bit. And I was going to ask him to prom. I just needed to find the right moment. Well, I never did. Verity ended up asking him a few days after I set my mind to it. And well, they’ve dated ever since.

This past weekend he proposed.

It makes me feel really weird inside. A friend and a former crush getting engaged…..odd. And it makes me feel like I’m emotionally or romantically retarded. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend and yet friends are getting engaged or having children. And while my education and future career are really important to me, part of me wants what they have. Really badly.

Ever since my dad died, I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged in my family, or among my friends, or just in general. It’s an odd disconnect. Like a gap I can’t jump. Everyone is on one side and I’m stranded on the other. I think it’s why I feel like I’m experiencing things while inside a glass box. It usually only happens in large groups of people. But still.

Feeling so alone sometimes makes me want what they have. Since my family right now doesn’t really fulfill my needs in the love department, I want my own. I want someone who loves me unconditionally. And I want to love someone back as such. I don’t want to have to control feelings. I don’t want to settle for someone just to have someone. And I’m not going to date just to date. Is it wrong that at this point in my life, despite never having a boyfriend, I really only want to date someone if there is a chance of it lasting? I don’t want to date people just to have it last a few months. Perhaps that’s why I lost interest in V so quickly. He and I weren’t really compatible.

I don’t know. I guess I just am having a bit of a quarter life crisis? I turn twenty in two weeks. (From yesterday, actually.) And I finish my fourth semester of college in six. I’m half way done with college and a little less than a third of the way done with my schooling in general. I probably got an internship with a congressman for this summer.

I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie.  I’m terrified. I’m not going to be a teenager anymore. It feels odd.

And I guess I’m just ready to be happy. To have things work out for me. And to try to cut some bad habits of mine. Mostly, I just want to be happy. But when I look at people like my old friend and Verity and Jake, I feel a little empty. And I don’t like it.


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3 responses to “Quarter Life Crisis?”

26 03 2009
Jonathan

Wow. You should be proud of the fact that you’d had the insights that you did. I honestly don’t know many 22 year olds that would have displayed that kind of awareness. Or 30 years olds. Its alright to be scared, and its alright that you’ve realized now while you have a full life ahead of you, rather than finding out when you’re 54 that something has gone terribly wrong, or that something has been missing the whole time in your life. Sometimes we need a little shocker.

I’m 32 and engaged and scared shitless. I have friends who have babies and settled down and have homes. And I feel a little behind, but I am happy that I am moving along at my own pace. It happens.

Sounds to me like you’ll be just fine. Maybe cutting out bad habits ain’t such a bad idea.

J.

27 03 2009
B

To your point that you’d rather not date someone if it isn’t likely to last, I think there is something to be said for dating a variety of people. If nothing else, you’ll at least be able to discover those characteristics in a boyfriend you value or dislike. And, ideally, you’ll be able to enjoy good sex while you’re figuring that out.

But, regarding the larger point of your post, in my (limited) 26-years of experience, life/dating only gets better as you move through college and thereafter—so don’t worry just yet.

27 03 2009
Jake

I know what you mean, I’ve been wondering recently about whether or not it’s time I took my life in a new direction. Ever since I moved to University I’ve been really nostalgic about the last few years of school and the times I had with my friends then, but I’m starting to be ok with the fact that that was a phase of my life that’s ended and now I just need to make the most of the present and future.

Apart from the tenuous ‘age related angst’ link this is all relatively unconnected to your actual concerns, but I guess what I was trying to communicate is that we all have these introspective moments where we wonder whether or not we’re living our lives in the way we should. Really though, I imagine most of the time people are on the right track.

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