2 Years. Almost.

8 05 2009

Friendships are hard.

I can’t even begin to measure the amount of tears I’ve shed because of you, or over you, or just simply to you. And yet I never leave or give up. I stay long after many people would leave. Even when I try to leave I just end up sobbing on the phone, begging you to come back. Something keeps us together. It could be the platonic love we have for each other, our similar core personalities, the fact that we make each other crack up, or our mutal geekness. In all reality, I think it’s just because we’re insane.

We click. We have from the first day we met. Yeah, okay. You thought my friend at the time was cuter, but you wised up and figured out I was so much more awesome. By like a bazillion times. Haha. Though I think I might have infuriated you that night. (Slightly indicative of our future relationship maybe?) I proved your point better than you did. I will stick to that till the day I die.

I crushed hardcore on you in the coming months. And who wouldn’t? You were tall, skinny, hot as all hell, funny, witty, intelligent and you seemed to like hanging out with me. I liked this. Though I didn’t like the girlfriend bit. I pushed it to the back of my mind. We talked a lot and hung out. I liked it.

The one drunken night I asked you to come walk me home from a party. I wasn’t THAT drunk but you attest that I was. I was mostly asking because I wanted to see you and I wanted to see if you would actually do it. And you did. We walked back to the dorm and eventually one thing led to another and we madeout. And oh my god I think I was addicted right there and then. We made out for 2 and 1/2 hours. I think. That’s what I remember.

The rest in between and how I dealt with my feelings for you to get to where I am now will be written about another day because it’s late and I’m lazy. But we started sleeping together a few months and/or weeks after the first makeout. I debated long and hard about if I should let you take my virginity or not. I spent a week or two deciding. And in the end, I felt comfortable with you. And that was the most important thing. As we started sleeping together regularly, I started to become a different person. Not because of the sex but because of the confidence you fostered in me. And I thank you for that.

I think this post is more about this year though. Because last year was the year we fostered our friendship. This year was the year we faced the problems and had to deal with what was thrown at us or stirred up.

And fuck. It was hard. We fought. Over and over and over again. And over pettier and pettier things. Like the explosion about who was going to do the dishes. And just stupid, stupid, stupid things now that I look back on it. And I think we were just spending too much time together. We knew everything about our daily lives and we fell into a routine. That was the problem. We did the same thing every week. Hung out at the same time. Ate the same two or three foods. It was poison for us.

Because when you felt things got too clingy, you tried to push me away. The routine was disrupted. I was thrown for a loop and I reacted poorly. I didn’t get what was going on. Suddenly I was feeling inadequate. I was feeling unwanted and unimportant. I knew I was your best friend, but part of me always worried it was just the sex. And another part knew exactly how you were with girls and I didn’t understand why I was different and why you hadn’t gotten bored with me. I think you’ve noticed I need things like that explicitly spelled out to me. Because too much doubt creeps in if that doesn’t happen.

Now? I don’t doubt my position as your best friend. I don’t doubt that I’m important to you. I don’t doubt that you love me (not romantically of course. haha).  I don’t doubt that we can work through whatever shit we have to deal with. We’ve fought to keep this friendship going for almost two years now.  We’re not giving up on it now.

Even though sometimes I want to. I get so upset and I feel so hurt that I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t feel like fighting for it anymore. I want to give up because it’s easier. And I can just tuck it away into one of the little compartments you’ve begun to get me to make, and I could forget about you. We walk away from each other and I’m resolved. I’m done. I’m so sure I can just let everything go. But I always find myself picking up my phone. I call you and tell you to come back. I text you and say we need to find a way to fix things. And we always do.

Summer is going to be good for us. We can detox from each other. We can let all the tension and resentment and anger and unresolved little things melt away in the three months we won’t be seeing each other.

And when August rolls around we can hang out like best friends again. Not as often as before. But still in the same way. And hoepfully we can be happy again. Because in the end, that’s all I care about. I want us to be happy.


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One response

8 05 2009
Jonathan

Sounds like this was something you needed to get off your chest. Did it help writing it out? Sounds to me like you’re going to have an awesome summer!

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