Father’s Day

21 06 2009

I bought blue hydrangeas today and put them on my father’s grave.

Father’s Day always makes me sad. It’s a celebration of someone I no longer have in my life. And it’s rough. I make a point to go to his grave every Father’s Day (and every holiday I’m home for. and sometimes just because.)

This year, I went alone.

The area around the headstone is covered in weeds and moss. The granite is dirty. But what stands out is the kissmark in lipgloss I left last year. I’m impressed it weathered the elements.

My mother resents my father for dying on her. She resents the man she knows she would have divorced. The man whose insurance policy was only enough to pay off the house, not enough to insure she never had to work again. She hates him for leaving her with us. And for limiting her life while he was alive. So she doesn’t visit his grave anymore. She hasn’t for years.

My brother was 6 when he died. And he doesn’t talk about my dad often. Sometimes I think he doesn’t remember his dad and it scares him. He never wants to go to the cemetery because he has his father-figure, alive and well, in the form of my mother’s fiance.

My dad and I were so much alike. And I miss him so much. So much of my personality and hobbies stem from him. I don’t understand why he was taken from me. And I hate the world a little because of it. But I could never hate him.

So this is for you, Daddy. Happy Father’s Day. It’s been 8 years without you. But I haven’t stopped missing you.


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4 responses

22 06 2009
osbasso

That’s rough. The only family members who died when I was younger were my dad’s parents, both within a year of each other. I was probably the same age as you were. There’s still alot of things that remind me of them that my sisters will never understand.

22 06 2009
Z

Losing family members is never easy, no matter their relation to you.

22 06 2009
Katie

I lost my dad almost three years ago now though I don’t know exactly how you feel I am comforted to know that I am not the only one that has trouble with Father’s Day. I know that the pain of losing him will never go away but I hope with time that it does get easier to live with the fact that he won’t be around anymore. To me it still feels like he died yesterday. Thank you for being willing to share the death of your parent with the world, it has helped me greatly.

22 06 2009
Z

I’m really glad that my little post has helped you. You’re right. The pain will never go away. Ever. But it does get easier. It becomes less of ’something bad that happened to me’ and more of ’something that is a part of me.’ The way I look at it, my father dying wasn’t an event in my life, it’s an integral part of who I am. And I like who I am. So you begin to just accept and live with it. If that makes sense.

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