An Open Letter to The Kinky Jew on Bisexuality

24 11 2009

I encountered the Kinky Jew’s post on sexuality a few weeks ago.

It coincided with a project for my Gender Roles class. I was writing a personal essay on my experiences with coming out as bisexual and the negative stereotypes I have encountered on a regular basis since then. Someone actually recommended the article to me. I had put a tweet out asking: “Can you be still be considered bisexual yet never date or fuck your same gender?” as a means to do a little research for my paper. And someone responded telling me that they had just discussed this and the post was linked to me. I honestly was appalled at what I read. On a blog I considered to be a fairly well known, respected blog I found an article that played into nearly every single negative stereotype I was writing about in my paper. I left a long comment that I wrote while fairly emotional but the author never responded to what I said. So I’m going to take my comment and build on it.

This is an open letter to the Kinky Jew. I hope she reads it. If she doesn’t then I’m still getting my message out regardless.


OPEN LETTER

“I’ll give you a few points, KInky Jew, Katy-Perry-I-Kissed-A-Girl Bisexuals and people who do it for the attention really do give true bisexuals a bad name. Your article is very strong proof of the negative effects of those people. You are doing nothing more than playing into the awful stereotype that people’s definitions of their own sexuality are arbitrary. You’re telling anyone who is reading that people who don’t want to have a ‘love based relationship’ with the same sex are not truly bisexual. They’re just sluts.

Hmm. WHAT?! Did I hear that right? Slut? I don’t really have any desire to end up with a woman as a life partner so I’m just a slut? My sexuality is fake and false? Again. HMM, WHAT?!?

I’ll be awesome and I’ll stand up and shout it from the roof tops: “I’m very sexually attracted to women but I’m not sure if I could ever see myself in a loving, sexual relationship with another woman, especially a long term relationship.” Does that make me any less bisexual? No. Not in the least. Does it make me a slut? Not at all. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully embrace my sluttiness, I LOVE my inner slut and I have no issues letting her free. But my personal identification with being bisexual and my ability to embrace being a slut have nothing to do with one another.

My biggest beef with your article is the fact that you tell people if they can picture themselves in a ‘loving, sexual relationship with either gender’ then YAY you get a ‘get out of jail free card’. YOU are the one true breed of bisexual! And honestly? That’s utter bullshit.

‘Loving’ and ’sexual’ are not, by any means, mutually exclusive terms. Love and sex do not come hand in hand. Yes. I can see myself having a sexual relationship with another woman; one that involves a certain level of friendship and trust. But love? What’s that got to do with it? I honestly have issues with the love bit. I’m not sure I have the ability to fall in love with another woman. I highly doubt I could marry another woman and start a family. Does that make me a ‘fake bisexual’? Even though I’m honest to god physically attracted to women and have been since I was about 10? According to your article? Yup. I’m a faker. I’m just a slut who’s abusing the term ‘bisexual’.

So, I just have to ignore the fact that I’ve always been drawn to boobs and pictures of girls?Ignore that I prefer lesbian porn over straight porn 85-90% of the time? And ignore that I check women out far more than I check out men? According to your article? Yeah. My bisexuality is based more in my ability to have a ‘loving relationship’ than my base attraction to another gender.

Now, I understand this is supposed to be an article that is intended to empower women/people to stop considering themselves bi if they’re simply open to trying new things and instead embrace the word slut. That’s a really great message. And I support that strongly because I believe in similar ideas. Though your idea of ’slut’ is a lot closer to ‘Nympho’: “That’s OK. I’ve totally had those nights where all you can think is, “does it have a pulse? Is it human and over the age of 18? GAME ON!

However, in the course of writing this article, you did alienate a group of people. You discriminated against and played into negative stereotypes about true bisexuals. You ignored that bisexuals fit into more than two categories. Loving relationship wanting on one end, and doing it for attention on the other end. There is no happy median according to you. There is no ‘I think women are gorgeous, as are men. And I’d like to sleep with and do terrible things to BOTH,’ category.

You say: “Being comfortable enough to accept your sexuality as you are can mean doing everything under the sun, or just being self-aware enough to know what you like, and stick to it. Don’t let the media influence you into redefining who you are, but be honest about whoever that is.” What a mixed message you are sending. Through your whole article you contradict this statement. It’s NOT okay to accept your sexuality if it doesn’t fall into predefined categories that exist BECAUSE of societal influence or because that’s how you personally view the world. Sexism isn’t the right word, sexual-orientation-ism maybe? Bisexuals ALL are like this. And those that don’t fit that mold are fake. Hmm…..

At the time I commented on your post, I was currently writing a paper on my own personal experiences with coming out as bisexual and the negative stereotypes I’ve encountered since then.

The best way to explain the absurdity in this negative stereotype is this: If someone who is heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t want to be in a relationship and instead chooses to sleep around or even just kiss and fool around, be it with one casual partner or twenty, they’re not called out for pretending to be heterosexual or pretending to be homosexual. They’re just sluts (be it positive or negative connotations of the word). Why is it when a bisexual doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone does their base sexual orientation get called into question? Why can’t we just be considered sluts and move on? Why must our orientation be called fake and false? Why do we have to endure being told we’re just pretending or we’re just trying to get attention?

Sexual orientation is NOT based in a person’s desire for a relationship. It’s based upon who they are attracted to. Many people agreed with me on Twitter than you can be bisexual yet never sleep with someone of another sex. Just like many men and women identify as straight before they ever have their first sexual experience. Just like someone who identifies as asexual is still capable of having a relationship with another person.

You need to make sure that you express that these are your opinions. Because your tone implies that you’re a sex blogger with a an authority on what being bisexual is and means while your opinions clearly show you don’t have a full grasp of it.

It saddens me that bisexuals get the same negative stereotypes thrown at them from both sides of the spectrum. And it’s sad that an article that I’m sure was intended to be positive, ended up offending me and just reenforcing negative stereotypes about bisexuals. Again, I’m sure you did not intend to offend. I simply felt that some things needed to be said in regards to what was said in the article.

-Z “

[These are simply my opinions and aren't necessarily representative of the bisexual community as a whole.]


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One response

24 11 2009
Leese

Good for you. Human sexual attraction is a spectrum. It definitely not a black or white issue.

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