3 02 2010

I miss what we don’t seem to have anymore.

The spark seems to have died or at least has been extinguished to the point of being a smoldering coal on the verge of becoming cold. I feel like I’m not attractive to him anymore. I feel like he’s become bored with me and bored with what I can give him. And those thoughts, whether they’re true or not, they hurt. A deep throbbing ache in my chest.

He rarely kisses me anymore. It’s ‘too relationshippy,’ he tells me. I miss how he’d just pull me to him and kiss me hard and how when we were apart he’d tell me how much he missed kissing me. No more being pressed against a wall, hands wandering as his mouth drifts down to kiss and bite my neck. He doesn’t kiss me much during sex either, sometimes even moving his head to avoid my attempts to kiss him. I miss the casual pecks on the lips, the long slow kisses and the hard, desperate kisses we used to share.

There was a point in time where he wanted me often. He’d IM me or text me and tell me how badly he wanted me. And when we’d see each other later that day, he’d be on me in seconds. We’d sometimes skip class to have sex. We’d sometimes have sex twice a day. There would be weeks where we’d fuck every day. Now I’m lucky if we have sex once a week. Now I’m lucky if I’m able to get him to cum. Now I’m lucky if I’m able to turn him on when I want sex. I give him blowjobs when he feels like sex is ‘too much work’ but I don’t get oral in return. I don’t even get fingered.

There was a point in time where he’d text me little things like telling me that I’m fun or cute. He used to say ‘goodnight gorgeous’ or ‘goodbye sexy’ when signing offline. And ‘Hello beautiful’ or  ’Hey cutie’ when he first IMed me. Now it’s just a plain’hello’ and ‘bye.’ I miss how things used to be. I miss how much more interested in me he seemed. Now, I see him almost every day but I feel like most days he doesn’t actually ’see’ me.

The sex is still amazing. We still have chemistry. Which is what makes this hard. The sex hasn’t changed much, just the frequency and the enthusiasm. The passion between us feels like it’s gone. And I hate it. I want it back. But I’m not sure it’ll ever come back. I hate how things have changed. I hate how his interest in me has waned.

And he tells me it’s not just me. He’s not interested in sex at all right now. But it’s not the sex that worries me. It’s the fact that he doesn’t seem interested in ME anymore.

[Note: I don't want a bunch of people telling me what to do about this. I just needed to write this out to get if off my chest. X and I are fine. Things are just weird at the moment and I needed somewhere to put it into words. This was how I was feeling at one particular moment in time. That moment has passed. No worries. Lol]



6 responses

3 02 2010

You’re not the other woman anymore. He needs another girlfriend.

3 02 2010

Except for the fact that I haven’t been the ‘other woman’ for about six months now and everything was fine for those six months.

3 02 2010

Sorry it’s hurting your feelings. College is a funny time sometimes — by funny, I mean strange or suspicious. But your grades should get better! (I know,,, it’s NOT funny. Let ME kiss your hurt, BabyDoll! XOXO

3 02 2010

I don’t need anyone to ‘kiss my hurt.’ And don’t call me babydoll….

3 02 2010
Dangerous Lilly

Been there. even though he now admits to loving me (but not in love, mind you) the passion/lust is all completely gone. no more flirting. even when that dynamic was still there i saw it dying, i saw how conversations changed.

it wasn’t new anymore. the hunt was gone. i had given myself completely to him, and there was no more work.

he’ll say its so much more complicated than that, he’ll even deny all that. but i think its just idle protesting.

4 02 2010
It’s MY life. « Phaedra Fallen

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