Conflict

27 12 2008

I never thought I’d lose friends because of my private life.

Three of my friends from home staged an ‘intervention’ last night. Three and a half hours of being yelled at and told to stop sleeping with X. I wanted to shoot myself in the head.

To preface, last year I was really into X. I couldn’t help it. I talked about him to my friends at home and they told me that it wasn’t good I started hooking up with him because he had a girlfriend. But they left me be for the most part. X hurt me a few times but never so bad that I didn’t recover in a week or so. And then I told that this past summer we were going to try and stop. That was kind of a fib because I never really did intend to stop quite yet, but whatever. X came and visited me and left in the middle of the night, breaking my heart. I won’t go into it because it still hurts a bit to think about that night. I still talked to him after that. But it hurt. So at the urgings of my friends, I told him I needed to stop talking to him. My friends were elated. They had won. They tried to get me to put everything that reminded me of him in a box to give to them to ‘hide’ until I was ‘fully over him.’ I put stuff in a box, but never gave it to them. I realized a few weeks later after minor lapses in my X-talking-ban that I was more miserable not talking to him than I was trying to get him out of my life. Those things in that box made me smile when I thought of all the inside jokes tied to them, but they didn’t make me even the tiniest bit sad.

That’s when I said fuck it. I’m talking to him again. And while I still hurt, it made me happy to have my friend back. Because despite the sex, we’ve always been friends first and foremost. We kept up the ‘we’re not sleeping together anymore’ thing until a week or so before we were heading back to school. I was being selfish and I don’t know why he was okay with it again, but I wasn’t complaining.

The first thing he did when I got back to school was throw me down on the bed and fuck my brains out.

And we continued fucking. But I didn’t tell my friends at home because I knew they’d be more than unhappy with me and honestly, I didn’t feel like it was their place to really meddle in my sex life, which is what they tend to do. Meddle.

Well, a friend at school recently slipped and let it be known that I’m still sleeping with him. My friends were going to ‘confront’ me about it unless I told them. So I did. And then they backed me into a corner and made me tell my other friends.

Last night, I saw a side of my friends that I have NEVER seen in my whole life. And I’ve known some of these girls for ten to fourteen years.

I was screamed at. I was belittled. I was walked away from. I was accused. I was criticized. I had fucking Sex and the City quoted at me.

My ‘friends’ attacked me. And I’m not sure I can really forgive them.

For one, Sex and Love are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to love someone to have sex. And emotions and sex are not mutually exclusive either. My one friend tried to tell me that even after one night stands you have feelings for the guy you slept with. Even if you hate them. What? I laughed and told her that I’d had one night stands that meant NOTHING and had NO feelings or emotions involved whatsoever. Just sex. My friend didn’t think that was possible.

Also, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend does not make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me a saint, but it doesn’t make me the devil either. X and I have a fucked up, twisted relationship that most people just don’t get. But neither of us is a ‘bad’ person. We’ve made choices that don’t conform with standard morals but who cares? It’s our lives we’re fucking with, no one elses. We’re consenting adults. Who cares that we happen to sleep together too. But apparently my one friend doesn’t want to get a bad reputation by associating with bad people. So she’s not sure if she can be my friend anymore.

Not loving the person you’re sleeping with makes the sex you have trivial. Because I’ve never had sex with someone I love who loves me back, I can’t even compare my sex life to theirs because theirs is so much better than mine. Sex with someone you love is the only good way to have sex. It’s the only way to be really statisfied.  Really? Because having a guy make me cum 8 or 9 times in roughly an hour, with at least 4 of those orgasms being squirting ones isn’t good statisfying sex? Emotions might make a stronger mental connection during sex, but I’m not looking for emotional. Just physical. I mean, having sex with one of my best friends does make me feel closer to him but only because it’s just another factet that makes our friendship different. I dunno. It’s nothing to do with love for me, it’s all about the fact that I’m damn horny and I want sex.

Because I continue to sleep with the guy who broke my heart in the past, it’s going to fuck me up forever in the relationship department. Becuase I can’t be ‘over him’ so soon. Because 5 months isn’t enough to get over someone. It took my friend two years to get over someone enough to be able to talk to him again. I told her I don’t hold grudes. X left crying that night. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I can’t fault him. I haven’t totally forgiven him but that’s water under the bridge now. We’ve moved past that and we’ve become closer friends. I’m not fucked up because of this relationship. Honestly, this blog and the sex blogging community is what has changed my veiws on things. I don’t beleive monogamy always works out. People can be polyamorus. Sex isn’t love. And love isn’t sex. You can combine the two but they don’t come hand in hand. Sex isn’t bad or dirty or sinful. It’s natural. And it’s better to explore your own sexuality then oppress it. X has encouraged me to be open, but it’s the sex blog community that has ‘ruined’ me more. And I don’t care. I like myself better this way and it won’t fuck with my future relationships.

And this pissed me off. Having sex more times in one week than there are days in the week is not sick, gross, wrong or messed up. BFA told me that it’s unnatural to have sex that often. I laughed. I seriously did. My friends claimed to have sex drives just as high as mine and they didn’t need sex that often. That was messed up. Sex once or twice a week or two weeks is enough. If you’re horny you just deal with it, or if you think ‘that’ is okay, you help yourself. I could not believe what I was hearing. My friends were telling me that having sex when my body wanted it, with a partner who also wanted it, was bad. I was baffled.

They then basically gave me an ultimatum. Sex with X or them. And normally, I would NEVER place sex before my friends. But they attacked me, my opinions, my sexuality, my morals and my best friend. I was not giving in to them. It wasn’t that I was placing X before them, it was that they hurt me so badly that I didn’t want to let them win. I didn’t want them to force my hand into doing something.

That is not friendship to me. Friendship is loving someone and being there for them when they need you. It’s giving your opinion but realizing that they might not listen. Friendship is accpeting someone’s choices, no matter what you think of them, and being there for them if things fuck up. Apparently my friends can’t deal with me ‘destroying myself’ so if I don’t stop they’re gone.

And honestly, after last night, I don’t really fucking care. I have better friends who let me be me without forcing their ideals down my throat. Perhaps I’ve changed too much to fit with them anylonger. I don’t know. All I do know is that this is my life. They need to either accept it or get out of it.





Why Men Are Idiots

3 12 2008

I told him to leave it be.

As stated in my previous post 1% my feelings for X were sort of surfacing again. And I don’t like when that happens. It usually only takes me about a week to push them back down again. But he had to bug me. He had to ask what was wrong. And he wouldn’t take ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ or ‘it’s not a big deal’ for an answer. He bugged and bugged and bugged until he figured it out.

And he told me:

-I’m just a best friend and that’s all I’ll ever be.

-That my breakdowns make me too high maintenance for a girlfriend

-That he will go to the end of the world for his friends, but he expects to not have to do that in a relationship.

-The sex we have is just because we both have physical needs.

-I would be unhappy with him. He couldn’t explain why. But I just would be.

And I was a bad person. He said maybe we need to change things. I said maybe we shouldn’t be friends and I got out of the car. Not because I actually believed that but because I couldn’t stand to have him see me breakdown.

I walked inside and I couldn’t make it up the stairs. I pressed my forehead to the wall and sobbed. It was so unfair to me. The guy is damn near perfect for me and I try to not think about that 99% of the time, but he caught me when I was weak and now I’m breaking down.

He ruined our friendship. At least I think he did. I don’t know. I just KNOW things are going to end up being awkward and it’s killing me.

I can’t stop crying. And it’s not because he broke my heart again. Because he didn’t. He hurt me a little. But mostly I’m just upset at the unfairness.

I know he can read this blog, but I feel no shame or remorse in saying that I think him and his girlfriend are wrong for each other. Terribly wrong. I’ve seen her throw him about. I’ve seen her guilt him into things. And he really is blind to it. And that’s part of the thing that kills me too. That he can’t see what’s beyond his own damn nose most days.

I just hope that we can salvage our friendship and our sexual relationship.





Frustrations

19 11 2008

Sometimes X makes me really upset.

Tonight, I was on edge about a lot of things. I’m worried about classes and grades. I have a 10 page research paper due on Thuesday, and a 4 page paper due at 9am on Friday. My step-grandma just passed away and I’m trying to hide how upset I am. I judged a debate tourny and now I miss being a part of that world, desperately. I’m stressed to the max and it’s 2am and he decides he needs to be right about something we’re talking about.

I did LD debate for almost 4 years. It’s a logical anaylsis of a resolution. You prove the topic right or wrong using values/philosophies, good arguementation and persuation. It’s not for everyone, and it does take a certain amount of skill and honestly, open-mindedness.

X thinks my debate is stupid. We shouldn’t debate on philosophy!! Only real world things!! Only real world things have any worth!! Philosophy doesn’t solve problems, how can you put any worth in philosophy. Real world!!

John Locke’s Second Treatise on Government was used to write our constitution. Marx’s Communist Manefesto has been used in various communist societies. Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs is used in management theories in the US public sector. Philosophical ideas are reflected everywhere, they can be applied to so many things. But X firmly belives that they have no real world applications. And thus, LD, something I loved dearly in high school, the one things I have been INTENSLY passionate about he takes and basically throws down into the mud. While he holds his high and mightly idea of debate up above it all, like it’s perfect.

X is going to FAIL in politics if he continues to debate the way he does. Making people intentionally upset is a cheap way to win debates. And he’s even admited before that if he can throw the other person off and make them upset, then that’s a win. I feel like he enjoys getting me upset over things, and he likes seeing me on the verge of tears because he thinks he’s winning.

He can never admit he’s wrong and that’s a huge flaw. I just got out of his car and walked away because I was so upset with him tonight. Insulting LD and devaluing it without a clear understanding of it is incredibly offensive to me.

I was talking to him via AIM, and he said he had to go to bed and I said I had one last thing to say. He signed off. Didn’t give a shit. All I was going to say was that this debate was over. I was no longer going to discuss it. But he left because he’s a jackass.

And now I’m crying. And I won’t be able to sleep. Because I can’t go to sleep angry at someone. He broke my rule. I don’t think he knows about it. But he broke it. I don’t ever go to bad mad at someone. Because I can’t sleep. And now I’m mad. And I can’t sleep and I’m pissed off because even though I’m mad at him, I wish he was here to hug me. GAH.

Just kill me now.





Fire

14 08 2008

X is playing with fire and I think he knows it.

At 3am last night he texts me, asking if I was still awake. I was sleeping like the dead but my phone vibrates really loudly and my mattress for some reason amplifies it, so I was awake. He’d just gotten off work and he told me I should get online and talk to him. I was awake at this point, having already gotten a good three or so hours of sleep, so I signed on. We talked until 5am, the conversation slowly getting dirtier until I was soaking wet and he was too tired to stay awake.

And we just can’t seem to stop doing it. Our conversations have always been riddled with sexual innuendos and blantent references.

So I’m sitting here now, reading over our last conversation, letting myself get more and more turned on.

“You’d love it if I slowly slid my hand up your naked leg….Sliding it up until I reach your pussy, and then slowly spreading your legs while I slide my fingers into you. Sound nice babe? Me flipping you over my knee and spanking you while I thrust two fingers into your pussy and slide my thumb up your ass. And then I’d pull my hand away and get in front of you. I’d slide my cock in your mouth.”

I hate him so much because I want him so badly.





Seperation

27 07 2008

I’m such an idiot.

I got drunk Friday night. Really drunk. And I talked to X. I don’t know why I did it. But I did. And I wasn’t ready to talk to him. So now I’m upset and crying again. And everything is reminding of him and I hate it.

I hate that one boy can turn me to jelly in so many ways.

I had a problem with X. I couldn’t really say no to him. And as much as I had him wrapped around my little finger, he had me wrapped around his. I’d get him to bring me dinner and watch Gossip Girl and ANTM with me. And all he had to do was kiss my neck or slide his hand along my thigh or whisper something dirty in my ear and I’d fall into his arms. I was addicted to him as much as he was to me.

And even though I hate his guts right now, everytime I think of him, I think of riding him, or kissing him, or just laying in his arms. And I hate it because I want him so badly. But he chose the dumbass, short, clingy girlfriend over me.

And it doesn’t help that I’m really horny and I need to get laid badly. Even when we weren’t seeing each other we cybered via AIM or texts and it kept me occupied. Now. Nothing. Gah.