Friends with Blogs! Yay!

15 02 2009

SO. It has come to my attention that my lovely former roommate has a blog.

It’s not quite as risque as mine but the girl just lost her virginity last weekend so I’m sure fun stories will be coming soon. Plus, this is the girl who I kinda have a history of making out with while drunk. I can attest to the fact that she’s a lot of fun. Not quite as open or kinky as me, but she’s up there!

Go give her some love!! She’s new and I’m sure would love the attention!

Queen of Attention to Detail


27 12 2008

I never thought I’d lose friends because of my private life.

Three of my friends from home staged an ‘intervention’ last night. Three and a half hours of being yelled at and told to stop sleeping with X. I wanted to shoot myself in the head.

To preface, last year I was really into X. I couldn’t help it. I talked about him to my friends at home and they told me that it wasn’t good I started hooking up with him because he had a girlfriend. But they left me be for the most part. X hurt me a few times but never so bad that I didn’t recover in a week or so. And then I told that this past summer we were going to try and stop. That was kind of a fib because I never really did intend to stop quite yet, but whatever. X came and visited me and left in the middle of the night, breaking my heart. I won’t go into it because it still hurts a bit to think about that night. I still talked to him after that. But it hurt. So at the urgings of my friends, I told him I needed to stop talking to him. My friends were elated. They had won. They tried to get me to put everything that reminded me of him in a box to give to them to ‘hide’ until I was ‘fully over him.’ I put stuff in a box, but never gave it to them. I realized a few weeks later after minor lapses in my X-talking-ban that I was more miserable not talking to him than I was trying to get him out of my life. Those things in that box made me smile when I thought of all the inside jokes tied to them, but they didn’t make me even the tiniest bit sad.

That’s when I said fuck it. I’m talking to him again. And while I still hurt, it made me happy to have my friend back. Because despite the sex, we’ve always been friends first and foremost. We kept up the ‘we’re not sleeping together anymore’ thing until a week or so before we were heading back to school. I was being selfish and I don’t know why he was okay with it again, but I wasn’t complaining.

The first thing he did when I got back to school was throw me down on the bed and fuck my brains out.

And we continued fucking. But I didn’t tell my friends at home because I knew they’d be more than unhappy with me and honestly, I didn’t feel like it was their place to really meddle in my sex life, which is what they tend to do. Meddle.

Well, a friend at school recently slipped and let it be known that I’m still sleeping with him. My friends were going to ‘confront’ me about it unless I told them. So I did. And then they backed me into a corner and made me tell my other friends.

Last night, I saw a side of my friends that I have NEVER seen in my whole life. And I’ve known some of these girls for ten to fourteen years.

I was screamed at. I was belittled. I was walked away from. I was accused. I was criticized. I had fucking Sex and the City quoted at me.

My ‘friends’ attacked me. And I’m not sure I can really forgive them.

For one, Sex and Love are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to love someone to have sex. And emotions and sex are not mutually exclusive either. My one friend tried to tell me that even after one night stands you have feelings for the guy you slept with. Even if you hate them. What? I laughed and told her that I’d had one night stands that meant NOTHING and had NO feelings or emotions involved whatsoever. Just sex. My friend didn’t think that was possible.

Also, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend does not make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me a saint, but it doesn’t make me the devil either. X and I have a fucked up, twisted relationship that most people just don’t get. But neither of us is a ‘bad’ person. We’ve made choices that don’t conform with standard morals but who cares? It’s our lives we’re fucking with, no one elses. We’re consenting adults. Who cares that we happen to sleep together too. But apparently my one friend doesn’t want to get a bad reputation by associating with bad people. So she’s not sure if she can be my friend anymore.

Not loving the person you’re sleeping with makes the sex you have trivial. Because I’ve never had sex with someone I love who loves me back, I can’t even compare my sex life to theirs because theirs is so much better than mine. Sex with someone you love is the only good way to have sex. It’s the only way to be really statisfied.  Really? Because having a guy make me cum 8 or 9 times in roughly an hour, with at least 4 of those orgasms being squirting ones isn’t good statisfying sex? Emotions might make a stronger mental connection during sex, but I’m not looking for emotional. Just physical. I mean, having sex with one of my best friends does make me feel closer to him but only because it’s just another factet that makes our friendship different. I dunno. It’s nothing to do with love for me, it’s all about the fact that I’m damn horny and I want sex.

Because I continue to sleep with the guy who broke my heart in the past, it’s going to fuck me up forever in the relationship department. Becuase I can’t be ‘over him’ so soon. Because 5 months isn’t enough to get over someone. It took my friend two years to get over someone enough to be able to talk to him again. I told her I don’t hold grudes. X left crying that night. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I can’t fault him. I haven’t totally forgiven him but that’s water under the bridge now. We’ve moved past that and we’ve become closer friends. I’m not fucked up because of this relationship. Honestly, this blog and the sex blogging community is what has changed my veiws on things. I don’t beleive monogamy always works out. People can be polyamorus. Sex isn’t love. And love isn’t sex. You can combine the two but they don’t come hand in hand. Sex isn’t bad or dirty or sinful. It’s natural. And it’s better to explore your own sexuality then oppress it. X has encouraged me to be open, but it’s the sex blog community that has ‘ruined’ me more. And I don’t care. I like myself better this way and it won’t fuck with my future relationships.

And this pissed me off. Having sex more times in one week than there are days in the week is not sick, gross, wrong or messed up. BFA told me that it’s unnatural to have sex that often. I laughed. I seriously did. My friends claimed to have sex drives just as high as mine and they didn’t need sex that often. That was messed up. Sex once or twice a week or two weeks is enough. If you’re horny you just deal with it, or if you think ‘that’ is okay, you help yourself. I could not believe what I was hearing. My friends were telling me that having sex when my body wanted it, with a partner who also wanted it, was bad. I was baffled.

They then basically gave me an ultimatum. Sex with X or them. And normally, I would NEVER place sex before my friends. But they attacked me, my opinions, my sexuality, my morals and my best friend. I was not giving in to them. It wasn’t that I was placing X before them, it was that they hurt me so badly that I didn’t want to let them win. I didn’t want them to force my hand into doing something.

That is not friendship to me. Friendship is loving someone and being there for them when they need you. It’s giving your opinion but realizing that they might not listen. Friendship is accpeting someone’s choices, no matter what you think of them, and being there for them if things fuck up. Apparently my friends can’t deal with me ‘destroying myself’ so if I don’t stop they’re gone.

And honestly, after last night, I don’t really fucking care. I have better friends who let me be me without forcing their ideals down my throat. Perhaps I’ve changed too much to fit with them anylonger. I don’t know. All I do know is that this is my life. They need to either accept it or get out of it.


27 11 2008

I like driving.

I’m home again for Thanksgiving and not feeling so thankful. I love my friends. We’re cut from the same cloth. But I’m sewn up a different way.

I’m the girl I always though BFL was in high school.

Only more extreme.

I’m comfortable with my sexuality. I don’t mind being objectified by some. I don’t worry myself with what other people think of my sex life.  I think in a very unique way, a way I don’t beleive a lot of people think. Sometimes I don’t feel human. I feel like I’m outside looking in. Other times I’m all too vulnerable in this soft body of mine. And I feel like I’m under a microscope. I try to think logically rather than emotionally despite having very poor control over my emotions. I don’t think sex is dirty and wrong. I don’t think sex is special in the way I was taught to think of it.

Sex is sex. I like it. A lot. That’s all that matters.

I don’t need to explain why I choose to do what I do. I make my own choices. I lead the life I want to live. Religion and morals might say that I’m wrong. I say fuck them.

Vanilla is nice but boring. Biting and pulling and grabbing and spanking, leaving bruises and marks, making me sore; that’s not abnormal. It’s just a level of normal different from others. Ropes and whips and cuffs and vibrators and dildos and butt plugs and beads. Different levels of normal.

Is the sex wrong if it leaves me gasping at every thrust of his cock inside because I have a plug in my ass? Is sex right if I lay there motionless, not willing to experiment at all?

So I tell you now: Don’t judge me.

You’re my best friends but I don’t owe you one single explanation for my actions.

You ask me why? I can’t explain.

You tell me I shouldn’t be doing it? I don’t care.

You tell me you’re disappointed in me. That you’re hurt. That I basically lied to you. Even though you had already guessed.

I want to tell you that my sex life is not your buisness. I may discuss it openly at times, but that does not give you a say in it. Just like the politicians who try to tell me what I can and cannot do to my own body, you cannot tell me that what I’m doing is wrong.

I have a choice. And I made my choice. It’s not the smartest of choices. And yes, my emotions may come into play a bit too much. But I’m a big girl. I can hold my own in this big, scary world of ours. I may not have the extensive dating/relationship/men experience you both have, but I have a brain. And more experience in sex and sexuality than you could imagine. I don’t need you to tell me I’m wrong.

You don’t know him. You aren’t his friends. So don’t judge him. He’s an asshole. But I’m a bitch. So lay off. You don’t see us, you don’t understand. My friends that see us, while they may not nessicarily approve, they understand. You don’t. So don’t tell me what he is, because I know him better than I know a lot of people. And I sure as hell know him better than you.

I made my choice. I’ve flung myself out into the chaos of this world, just hoping I come back in one piece. If I don’t, I’ll just sew myself and begin again. That’s all life is anyways. Rip yourself open. Expose yourself, your insides. Sew yourself up. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Life.

I love driving. It let’s me think. And clear my head. Music so loud I shouldn’t be able to think. And maybe I don’t. Maybe I feel, rather than think. I let everything out, I let it seep through my pores to the open air. I bleed out the feelings. And I organize them. I make sense of them in the midst of thumping bass. With my eyes following the dark road ahead of me, I set everything out in order. With my hands cold on the wheel, I put them back inside, now making sense.

And this is what comes out. Acceptance.

snippets: four

17 07 2008

“I guess I felt used after. I mean, we tried a bunch of new things and I felt like he was just waiting to try those things before ending things with me.”

‘New things?”

“You tried anal didn’t you?”

“….Yeah. I did. You guys know me too well.”

“Ew. M tried to get a finger up there once, and he knows not to go there ever again.”

“D wants to try it but I’m totally against it.”

“Honestly, it was not bad at all. I liked it.”

“You liked it? Didn’t it hurt?”

“Yeah. I like it a lot. It felt good. Different, but really good. And it only started hurting after he fucked me for a while and the lube dried out.”