Quarter Life Crisis?

26 03 2009

Today has been the day of reminding Z of how she is alone.

To begin, I found the girl who used to babysit my younger brother and drive me around on Facebook today. I haven’t talked to her in roughly 3 or 4 years. What happened was, I got my driver’s liensce and she finished massothearpy school. My mom didn’t need her anymore and she got a job in Pittsburgh and moved away. I didn’t really ever hear from her again.

Well, checking out her Facebook page, she’s married now and has a gorgeous almost one year old daughter. I was thrown for a loop. She graduated highschool the year before I got there. She left in ‘03 and I left in ‘07. She was never really my babysitter, but more my close friend. We listened to music and watched Ellen DeGeneres and rented movies and just hung out. I went to her with my boy problems. And I honestly blame her with making me a little bit cooler than my dorky self in highschool. We’d stop by her house so I could play with her cats and talk to her mom. My freshman year, when my one friend had the first annual ‘Fake Prom’ (we were too young to attend the real Prom, so we made our own.) she let me try on all her old dresses and let me borrow this shiny pink one I loved and still associate with a certain boy who I was infatuated with at the time.

She has a kid. And she’s married. And has a life. It weirds me out. I’m getting older. And it scares me. Yeah, she’s older than me, but she was my peer, my friend. And it’s an odd feeling to know that a formerly close friend is now married.

And then this evening I found out a girl who I’ll call Verity and her boyfriend Jake just got engaged. I was honestly thrown for a loop. Verity graduated with me. She was actually semi-a part of my group of friends through out highschool. I was never close with her because she never ‘approved of me.’ If I wanted to hang out with her back in Middle School I had to ’stop being so annoying and hyper.’ This was relayed to me by my best friend at the time. (She is no longer such. And hasn’t been for a while.) I told her politely to tell Verity to fuck off. Obviously I said this in more middle school terms but still, this was one of my first instances of a backbone. (Even if I ran to my room and cried about it after.)

So obviously, I never really liked Verity. So the end of my junior year, I developed a crush on a boy who frequented the art room about the same time I did. I knew him through some older friends of mine, and despite only having a few conversations with him, I liked him quite a bit. And I was going to ask him to prom. I just needed to find the right moment. Well, I never did. Verity ended up asking him a few days after I set my mind to it. And well, they’ve dated ever since.

This past weekend he proposed.

It makes me feel really weird inside. A friend and a former crush getting engaged…..odd. And it makes me feel like I’m emotionally or romantically retarded. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend and yet friends are getting engaged or having children. And while my education and future career are really important to me, part of me wants what they have. Really badly.

Ever since my dad died, I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged in my family, or among my friends, or just in general. It’s an odd disconnect. Like a gap I can’t jump. Everyone is on one side and I’m stranded on the other. I think it’s why I feel like I’m experiencing things while inside a glass box. It usually only happens in large groups of people. But still.

Feeling so alone sometimes makes me want what they have. Since my family right now doesn’t really fulfill my needs in the love department, I want my own. I want someone who loves me unconditionally. And I want to love someone back as such. I don’t want to have to control feelings. I don’t want to settle for someone just to have someone. And I’m not going to date just to date. Is it wrong that at this point in my life, despite never having a boyfriend, I really only want to date someone if there is a chance of it lasting? I don’t want to date people just to have it last a few months. Perhaps that’s why I lost interest in V so quickly. He and I weren’t really compatible.

I don’t know. I guess I just am having a bit of a quarter life crisis? I turn twenty in two weeks. (From yesterday, actually.) And I finish my fourth semester of college in six. I’m half way done with college and a little less than a third of the way done with my schooling in general. I probably got an internship with a congressman for this summer.

I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie.  I’m terrified. I’m not going to be a teenager anymore. It feels odd.

And I guess I’m just ready to be happy. To have things work out for me. And to try to cut some bad habits of mine. Mostly, I just want to be happy. But when I look at people like my old friend and Verity and Jake, I feel a little empty. And I don’t like it.

Mundane Life Update

26 01 2009
  • Since my roommates are bitches and I’m sick of dealing with them I’m moving into a new apartment this week. So yeah. Might not be around that much. Ha. Lies. I’m addicted to the internet, who am I kidding.
  • New apartment has two outside walls, a wall bordering the stairwell and one wall in the apartment that has the bathroom, my door and my new roommate’s closet on it. Yay for being able to be loud, possibly, now. :D   Unpacking is a bitch though. So will getting my rug to the new apartment……ugh. (I have a big ass oriental rug that used to be in the dining room of my old house) X is helping me out. Probably should enlist the aid of more men.
  • Orgasm record is up to 17 now. I think X just likes besting his own record. We went at it for an hour and a half yesterday. I was seriously impressed.
  • Kissing has been at an all time high this week. There has been kissing from V, and then, I don’t know why, but there has been LOADS more kissing from X. This is both during sex and not. I will not complain in the least. I love, love, love kissing. Note to self: write post about kissing.
  • Anal has not been working his week. My ass is being finicky, no matter how slow we go and how worked up we get me, it just hasn’t been feeling right this week. :(
  • X is lame and offered to help me pack today. Instead he came over and feel asleep on my bed. The guy is utterly useless at times. (And you know I say that in the nicest way possible hun. Because I know you’re gonna read this. Lol.)
  • Brand new obsession with ‘The Guild.’ Felicia Day is my brand new celebrity crush. She’s ungodly, awkwardly adorable. <3 Watch the amazingness that is The Guild here.
  • Planning on dying my hair dark red this week. Hopefully ASAP. I get in moods where I need change. This will be said change. (And the red hair has NOTHING to do with my new found love of Felicia Day…..oh no………>.> )
  • Hopefully getting more piercings this week. I hope, I hope, I hope. At least getting good jewlery for my cartilage peircings that won’t fall out. Found a cute one with an ankh on it.

Sorry this was random. And it’s not like any of you really care about 99% of this. But it is my blog. And I enjoy writing out the mundane activities of my mundane life. ;D


27 11 2008

I like driving.

I’m home again for Thanksgiving and not feeling so thankful. I love my friends. We’re cut from the same cloth. But I’m sewn up a different way.

I’m the girl I always though BFL was in high school.

Only more extreme.

I’m comfortable with my sexuality. I don’t mind being objectified by some. I don’t worry myself with what other people think of my sex life.  I think in a very unique way, a way I don’t beleive a lot of people think. Sometimes I don’t feel human. I feel like I’m outside looking in. Other times I’m all too vulnerable in this soft body of mine. And I feel like I’m under a microscope. I try to think logically rather than emotionally despite having very poor control over my emotions. I don’t think sex is dirty and wrong. I don’t think sex is special in the way I was taught to think of it.

Sex is sex. I like it. A lot. That’s all that matters.

I don’t need to explain why I choose to do what I do. I make my own choices. I lead the life I want to live. Religion and morals might say that I’m wrong. I say fuck them.

Vanilla is nice but boring. Biting and pulling and grabbing and spanking, leaving bruises and marks, making me sore; that’s not abnormal. It’s just a level of normal different from others. Ropes and whips and cuffs and vibrators and dildos and butt plugs and beads. Different levels of normal.

Is the sex wrong if it leaves me gasping at every thrust of his cock inside because I have a plug in my ass? Is sex right if I lay there motionless, not willing to experiment at all?

So I tell you now: Don’t judge me.

You’re my best friends but I don’t owe you one single explanation for my actions.

You ask me why? I can’t explain.

You tell me I shouldn’t be doing it? I don’t care.

You tell me you’re disappointed in me. That you’re hurt. That I basically lied to you. Even though you had already guessed.

I want to tell you that my sex life is not your buisness. I may discuss it openly at times, but that does not give you a say in it. Just like the politicians who try to tell me what I can and cannot do to my own body, you cannot tell me that what I’m doing is wrong.

I have a choice. And I made my choice. It’s not the smartest of choices. And yes, my emotions may come into play a bit too much. But I’m a big girl. I can hold my own in this big, scary world of ours. I may not have the extensive dating/relationship/men experience you both have, but I have a brain. And more experience in sex and sexuality than you could imagine. I don’t need you to tell me I’m wrong.

You don’t know him. You aren’t his friends. So don’t judge him. He’s an asshole. But I’m a bitch. So lay off. You don’t see us, you don’t understand. My friends that see us, while they may not nessicarily approve, they understand. You don’t. So don’t tell me what he is, because I know him better than I know a lot of people. And I sure as hell know him better than you.

I made my choice. I’ve flung myself out into the chaos of this world, just hoping I come back in one piece. If I don’t, I’ll just sew myself and begin again. That’s all life is anyways. Rip yourself open. Expose yourself, your insides. Sew yourself up. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Life.

I love driving. It let’s me think. And clear my head. Music so loud I shouldn’t be able to think. And maybe I don’t. Maybe I feel, rather than think. I let everything out, I let it seep through my pores to the open air. I bleed out the feelings. And I organize them. I make sense of them in the midst of thumping bass. With my eyes following the dark road ahead of me, I set everything out in order. With my hands cold on the wheel, I put them back inside, now making sense.

And this is what comes out. Acceptance.

Update on Life

20 10 2008

Oh wow….it’s been almost a week since I last wrote, it feels like forever.

School and life have been crazy as of late. I went home this weekend for the first time in 2 months and I’m not kidding when I say I barely had time to breath while I was home. I was gone 90% of the time and I got back to school exhausted.

H was texting me on and off the whole weekend. I really like talking to him. He’s a nice guy. But I’ve made up my mind that I’m not going to get overly attached to any guys from now on. No falling in love with them like I did with X. It’s too harmful to my mental health. So, while H is becoming a good friend, I’m also trying my damndest to make sure I don’t get too many feelings for him. I mean, he does live 12 hours away, and he has a girlfriend, though they are in an ‘open relationship.’ He was actually whinging to me about that last night. How he fools around behind his girlfriend’s back, and she told him to get annother girl on the side, and he’s pretty sure she has another guy on the side, and it upsets him. I just sighed because he’s obviously going about the open relationship the wrong way, or at least not the way I would.

X came over last night, and he’s been in sort of a slump recently. I mean, sex has just been really boring. Well, he fixed that pretty damn well last night. The sex was AMAZING.