Update on Life

20 10 2008

Oh wow….it’s been almost a week since I last wrote, it feels like forever.

School and life have been crazy as of late. I went home this weekend for the first time in 2 months and I’m not kidding when I say I barely had time to breath while I was home. I was gone 90% of the time and I got back to school exhausted.

H was texting me on and off the whole weekend. I really like talking to him. He’s a nice guy. But I’ve made up my mind that I’m not going to get overly attached to any guys from now on. No falling in love with them like I did with X. It’s too harmful to my mental health. So, while H is becoming a good friend, I’m also trying my damndest to make sure I don’t get too many feelings for him. I mean, he does live 12 hours away, and he has a girlfriend, though they are in an ‘open relationship.’ He was actually whinging to me about that last night. How he fools around behind his girlfriend’s back, and she told him to get annother girl on the side, and he’s pretty sure she has another guy on the side, and it upsets him. I just sighed because he’s obviously going about the open relationship the wrong way, or at least not the way I would.

X came over last night, and he’s been in sort of a slump recently. I mean, sex has just been really boring. Well, he fixed that pretty damn well last night. The sex was AMAZING.


11 09 2008

X is back with his girlfriend, apparently.

She’s coming in tomorrow for their three year anniversary. I’m just whatever about it. And for some reason today, I’m starting to figure out somethings between X and I. Which is slightly odd. And I’m actually kind of content with how things are in an odd way.

I was initially pissed at him this morning when I woke up, so when I went to meet him at the student center before class I was a total bitch. And then he got annoyed. And I snapped at him, telling him how pissed off I was about yesterday. He didn’t take that too well and snapped right back at me. Then we went back to eating breakfast and making fun of each other. He and I never stay mad for long.

So once in class, we were IMing the whole time, mostly talking about trying to get my friend sitting next to me, BFD, to fool around with us sometime. (Which she just might be willing to do. I brought up a threesome with X and I last night when we went on a late night walk and she said she’d totally be willing if she wasn’t a virgin) So X and I were discussing either waiting until she’s not a virgin (which won’t be too much longer, knowing her) or just having her fool around with us.

During our conversation, he asked me if I’d be pissed if he slept with her. I told him I would, even if it was just one time to take her virginity so we could do a threesome. He asked why and I told him because I considered him to be mine. I had no right to consider him that, but I did and thus I was possessive. And he didn’t contest it. Just laughed and smiled. He asked if she knew we slept together even though he had a girlfriend. And of course I had told her, but I told him not to get mad at me about it like he did last spring. He told me not to worry. He was getting okay with it. It, I think, meaning people knowing he has a girlfriend yet is also with me.

So I don’t know. Things, as odd as it is, are pretty good right now. Yeah, he’s still with his girlfriend but I think he’s getting comfortable with the idea of people knowing about us too.

After sex this evening, we were cuddled up on my bed looking for Halloween costumes for me. He’s really pushing for me to go as a sexy Princess Leia, either the slave girl or in her white dress. But he’s be okay with a nurse or a french maid or Alice or a bumblebee. But anyway, it was just nice to lay there with him, his arm around me and an occasional kiss to my cheek or neck.


10 09 2008

“So my girlfriend just called and left me….”

That was the message I got in the middle of my American Government class this afternoon from X. I couldn’t pay attention for the rest of the hour and a half I was in there and I even skipped my next class because I felt so sick.

I’m worried about him, first and formost. He left in the middle of his class, according to BFD, and called off work for today. I know he’s really upset and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I let him know I’d be there for him if he needed anything. And best friend me wants to just kidnap him and hug him and let him know everything is going to be okay. But emotions part of me wants to hug him too, but give him space. Let him know I’ll still be here when he’s ready.

I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want to mess things up. Being intimatly involved with him makes things so much more complicated and tricky and messy because I have no clue what is going to be too much or what he even needs.

God. I feel awful saying this, but I’m really happy she ‘left’ him. I’m just hoping they don’t get back together. And I feel bad that I feel that way but it’s the truth.

I feel sick. Gah.

And I haven’t talked to him aside from one text apologizing for forgetting we had plans to drive somewhere today. I’ve texted him twice, a few hours apart, just asking him if he was okay and to let me know because I was worried. Nothing.

If he doesn’t get back to me, I’m not gonna be able to sleep tonight for being so worried.

I. So. Win.

18 08 2008

There’s nothing more to say than that. I win.

X caved in for some reason, perhaps the talk of our new beds needing broken in and the fact that I get my apartment to myself for two whole days.

I told him I was sad I hadn’t been able to squirt again, no matter how much I tried. The conversation continued from there:

X: Aww, i might have to fix that….
Z: Oh really? And how do you plan on fixing that?
X: We’ll see.
Z: We’ll see is a lame answer.
X: Would you rather I tell you now that if you still want me I’ll fuck you on Thursday?
Z: One, why would I not want you on Thursday? Two, would it ever happen again after that? Three, I demand shower sex. And four, we better do it more than once.
X: Wow…
Z: It’s me. Did you expect different? I like to know what I’m getting myself into.
X: Well, are you going to hate me if we do?
Z: Probably not.
X: Probably not?
Z: Yes. Probably not. And you didn’t answer my questions.
X: One, you wouldn’t ever not want me. Two, probably. Three, I can do that.. and four, it’s us. Come on…
Z: Works for me then.

I cannot describe how happy I am knowing I am going to get fucked and get fucked so hard on Thursday. And I know it’s going to be good. It’s going to be bed shaking, screaming good.


14 08 2008

X is playing with fire and I think he knows it.

At 3am last night he texts me, asking if I was still awake. I was sleeping like the dead but my phone vibrates really loudly and my mattress for some reason amplifies it, so I was awake. He’d just gotten off work and he told me I should get online and talk to him. I was awake at this point, having already gotten a good three or so hours of sleep, so I signed on. We talked until 5am, the conversation slowly getting dirtier until I was soaking wet and he was too tired to stay awake.

And we just can’t seem to stop doing it. Our conversations have always been riddled with sexual innuendos and blantent references.

So I’m sitting here now, reading over our last conversation, letting myself get more and more turned on.

“You’d love it if I slowly slid my hand up your naked leg….Sliding it up until I reach your pussy, and then slowly spreading your legs while I slide my fingers into you. Sound nice babe? Me flipping you over my knee and spanking you while I thrust two fingers into your pussy and slide my thumb up your ass. And then I’d pull my hand away and get in front of you. I’d slide my cock in your mouth.”

I hate him so much because I want him so badly.

Going Down That Path Again….

13 08 2008

Fuck. I’m so fucking turned on right now.

I was talking to X like I usually do via text messages before we fall asleep. Suddenly the conversation turns from him disliking me calling him ‘loserface’ to how he needs a new nickname for me. And from how when he calls me ‘wench’ I feel like a pirate hooker to how I’d look ‘SO hot’ as a sexy pirate to what do I want right now. I ask if he really wants to know. He says yes. I tell him in explict detail.

That leads to me telling him some of my naughty, dirty, kinky fantasies. Which leads to us cybering. Him telling me he wants to tie me up and use me as his own little whore, a fuck toy for his own enjoyment. I reply that he’d like that, me being his own personal cockslut, using me for his own pleasure, making me beg and scream. He says he’d pull out and cum on my tits. And I tell him I’d run my fingers through it, licking it off and teasing him. He wants to fuck my ass and cum deep inside it. I want to tie him to the bed and tease him till he begs me to let him cum. He wants to bite my neck and make me scream. He wants to spank me hard just to see if I’d like it.

I’m soaking wet and aching for X to be here and inside me.

I honestly doubt us not fucking is going to last very long at the rate we’re currently going. And would I willingly let myself fall into the same sort of relationship I had this past year with him? The sad thing is, the answer is yes. If I’m getting fucked hard by him. If we’re doing the things we talk about, I’m not going to give a shit about his girlfriend. She’s obviously not giving him something he needs. He keeps coming back to me.

And I think the reason he does is because I give him something she doesn’t. I let him be rough with me. He can bruise me, bite me, throw me around, call me nasty names and I love it. He doesn’t worry about me breaking because when he gets rough I demand more. I tell him to fuck me harder, I bite him, and claw at him and egg him on until he loses control. I like the pain sometimes. There’s been nothing so far that he’s suggested we try that I’ve turned down. And I’m nearly insatiable. I never once turned down sex with him. Frankly, I was the one pawing at him wanting more. And I don’t think he gets that from her.

Fuck. Here it goes again……8 days and counting until I’m back within a few minutes distance of him……

Shit…..I want him so bad…..

seven: of heartbreak and hate

13 07 2008

When it comes to slseeping together, X and I are done, apparently.

I’m not going to go into details right now, it’s too fresh and too painful. Basically X came to visit me yesterday, we fucked like animals for hours, tried new things, figured out the mechanics of others, and in general had a good time.

About 1 or 2am, just as we’re starting to fall asleep, he decides to realize he actually feels guilty for once in his life for cheating. And after much talking and crying, he left.

He didn’t leave on bad terms, I’m still his best friend, I can’t really change that. But he’s lost my trust, and he’s broken my heart. And I’m making sure he feels like shit for hurting me.

snippets: three

12 07 2008

“I”m so tired.”

“Aww…better get a good nights sleep tonight.”

“And why should I do that?”

“Because you’re going to go through a lot of energy just getting up to your room tomorrow.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes. I plan on having you in every room on the way.”