27 12 2008

I never thought I’d lose friends because of my private life.

Three of my friends from home staged an ‘intervention’ last night. Three and a half hours of being yelled at and told to stop sleeping with X. I wanted to shoot myself in the head.

To preface, last year I was really into X. I couldn’t help it. I talked about him to my friends at home and they told me that it wasn’t good I started hooking up with him because he had a girlfriend. But they left me be for the most part. X hurt me a few times but never so bad that I didn’t recover in a week or so. And then I told that this past summer we were going to try and stop. That was kind of a fib because I never really did intend to stop quite yet, but whatever. X came and visited me and left in the middle of the night, breaking my heart. I won’t go into it because it still hurts a bit to think about that night. I still talked to him after that. But it hurt. So at the urgings of my friends, I told him I needed to stop talking to him. My friends were elated. They had won. They tried to get me to put everything that reminded me of him in a box to give to them to ‘hide’ until I was ‘fully over him.’ I put stuff in a box, but never gave it to them. I realized a few weeks later after minor lapses in my X-talking-ban that I was more miserable not talking to him than I was trying to get him out of my life. Those things in that box made me smile when I thought of all the inside jokes tied to them, but they didn’t make me even the tiniest bit sad.

That’s when I said fuck it. I’m talking to him again. And while I still hurt, it made me happy to have my friend back. Because despite the sex, we’ve always been friends first and foremost. We kept up the ‘we’re not sleeping together anymore’ thing until a week or so before we were heading back to school. I was being selfish and I don’t know why he was okay with it again, but I wasn’t complaining.

The first thing he did when I got back to school was throw me down on the bed and fuck my brains out.

And we continued fucking. But I didn’t tell my friends at home because I knew they’d be more than unhappy with me and honestly, I didn’t feel like it was their place to really meddle in my sex life, which is what they tend to do. Meddle.

Well, a friend at school recently slipped and let it be known that I’m still sleeping with him. My friends were going to ‘confront’ me about it unless I told them. So I did. And then they backed me into a corner and made me tell my other friends.

Last night, I saw a side of my friends that I have NEVER seen in my whole life. And I’ve known some of these girls for ten to fourteen years.

I was screamed at. I was belittled. I was walked away from. I was accused. I was criticized. I had fucking Sex and the City quoted at me.

My ‘friends’ attacked me. And I’m not sure I can really forgive them.

For one, Sex and Love are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to love someone to have sex. And emotions and sex are not mutually exclusive either. My one friend tried to tell me that even after one night stands you have feelings for the guy you slept with. Even if you hate them. What? I laughed and told her that I’d had one night stands that meant NOTHING and had NO feelings or emotions involved whatsoever. Just sex. My friend didn’t think that was possible.

Also, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend does not make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me a saint, but it doesn’t make me the devil either. X and I have a fucked up, twisted relationship that most people just don’t get. But neither of us is a ‘bad’ person. We’ve made choices that don’t conform with standard morals but who cares? It’s our lives we’re fucking with, no one elses. We’re consenting adults. Who cares that we happen to sleep together too. But apparently my one friend doesn’t want to get a bad reputation by associating with bad people. So she’s not sure if she can be my friend anymore.

Not loving the person you’re sleeping with makes the sex you have trivial. Because I’ve never had sex with someone I love who loves me back, I can’t even compare my sex life to theirs because theirs is so much better than mine. Sex with someone you love is the only good way to have sex. It’s the only way to be really statisfied.  Really? Because having a guy make me cum 8 or 9 times in roughly an hour, with at least 4 of those orgasms being squirting ones isn’t good statisfying sex? Emotions might make a stronger mental connection during sex, but I’m not looking for emotional. Just physical. I mean, having sex with one of my best friends does make me feel closer to him but only because it’s just another factet that makes our friendship different. I dunno. It’s nothing to do with love for me, it’s all about the fact that I’m damn horny and I want sex.

Because I continue to sleep with the guy who broke my heart in the past, it’s going to fuck me up forever in the relationship department. Becuase I can’t be ‘over him’ so soon. Because 5 months isn’t enough to get over someone. It took my friend two years to get over someone enough to be able to talk to him again. I told her I don’t hold grudes. X left crying that night. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I can’t fault him. I haven’t totally forgiven him but that’s water under the bridge now. We’ve moved past that and we’ve become closer friends. I’m not fucked up because of this relationship. Honestly, this blog and the sex blogging community is what has changed my veiws on things. I don’t beleive monogamy always works out. People can be polyamorus. Sex isn’t love. And love isn’t sex. You can combine the two but they don’t come hand in hand. Sex isn’t bad or dirty or sinful. It’s natural. And it’s better to explore your own sexuality then oppress it. X has encouraged me to be open, but it’s the sex blog community that has ‘ruined’ me more. And I don’t care. I like myself better this way and it won’t fuck with my future relationships.

And this pissed me off. Having sex more times in one week than there are days in the week is not sick, gross, wrong or messed up. BFA told me that it’s unnatural to have sex that often. I laughed. I seriously did. My friends claimed to have sex drives just as high as mine and they didn’t need sex that often. That was messed up. Sex once or twice a week or two weeks is enough. If you’re horny you just deal with it, or if you think ‘that’ is okay, you help yourself. I could not believe what I was hearing. My friends were telling me that having sex when my body wanted it, with a partner who also wanted it, was bad. I was baffled.

They then basically gave me an ultimatum. Sex with X or them. And normally, I would NEVER place sex before my friends. But they attacked me, my opinions, my sexuality, my morals and my best friend. I was not giving in to them. It wasn’t that I was placing X before them, it was that they hurt me so badly that I didn’t want to let them win. I didn’t want them to force my hand into doing something.

That is not friendship to me. Friendship is loving someone and being there for them when they need you. It’s giving your opinion but realizing that they might not listen. Friendship is accpeting someone’s choices, no matter what you think of them, and being there for them if things fuck up. Apparently my friends can’t deal with me ‘destroying myself’ so if I don’t stop they’re gone.

And honestly, after last night, I don’t really fucking care. I have better friends who let me be me without forcing their ideals down my throat. Perhaps I’ve changed too much to fit with them anylonger. I don’t know. All I do know is that this is my life. They need to either accept it or get out of it.

Why Men Are Idiots

3 12 2008

I told him to leave it be.

As stated in my previous post 1% my feelings for X were sort of surfacing again. And I don’t like when that happens. It usually only takes me about a week to push them back down again. But he had to bug me. He had to ask what was wrong. And he wouldn’t take ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ or ‘it’s not a big deal’ for an answer. He bugged and bugged and bugged until he figured it out.

And he told me:

-I’m just a best friend and that’s all I’ll ever be.

-That my breakdowns make me too high maintenance for a girlfriend

-That he will go to the end of the world for his friends, but he expects to not have to do that in a relationship.

-The sex we have is just because we both have physical needs.

-I would be unhappy with him. He couldn’t explain why. But I just would be.

And I was a bad person. He said maybe we need to change things. I said maybe we shouldn’t be friends and I got out of the car. Not because I actually believed that but because I couldn’t stand to have him see me breakdown.

I walked inside and I couldn’t make it up the stairs. I pressed my forehead to the wall and sobbed. It was so unfair to me. The guy is damn near perfect for me and I try to not think about that 99% of the time, but he caught me when I was weak and now I’m breaking down.

He ruined our friendship. At least I think he did. I don’t know. I just KNOW things are going to end up being awkward and it’s killing me.

I can’t stop crying. And it’s not because he broke my heart again. Because he didn’t. He hurt me a little. But mostly I’m just upset at the unfairness.

I know he can read this blog, but I feel no shame or remorse in saying that I think him and his girlfriend are wrong for each other. Terribly wrong. I’ve seen her throw him about. I’ve seen her guilt him into things. And he really is blind to it. And that’s part of the thing that kills me too. That he can’t see what’s beyond his own damn nose most days.

I just hope that we can salvage our friendship and our sexual relationship.

Why X is a Terrible Person

24 11 2008

Z: For once I’m actually awake when you text me. Even though I don’t think I’m going to classes.

X: Go to classes.

Z:We’re not doing anything today, so why should I when I have a lot of laundry?

X: Go to classes or you don’t get laid before break.

Z: Omg. SO not fair to do that!!

X: Not true.

Z: ::pout:: I’m not going to classes. I checked and we’re not doing anything important today.

X: Well then… lovin.

Edit: As if he could really hold to that. He caved easily once he came over that evening.

Hockey Players

30 09 2008

I met a cute boy this weekend.

No letter for him though, because I doubt I’ll meet him again. We’ll just call him Hockey Player. He was a old fling of my one roommate’s and despite him being here to visit her, we hit it off really well. I flirted with him all night, though I was a good little girl and only danced with him once at the club. I also restrained myself from dragging him into my bedroom when my roommate ran to the  bathroom at one point during the night.

He was my type. Skinny, tall, kinda geeky but not, glasses and snarky. We bonded over hockey.

He encouraged me to become a puck bunny and try and get in with the hockey players on my uni’s team.

He offered himself up when I said I’d like to sleep with a hockey player and my roommate just glared at him and said no way. I laughed it off but I was quite disappointed. He was quite attracted to me, if I must say so.

Such a waste that a hot guy like that came three hours just to fool around with my roommate. No emotions or feelings. Just fooling around because she’s a virgin and doesn’t do any more. He could have had fun with me. So, so, so sad.

Though I did fantasize about him sneaking into my room that night. Alas, it didn’t happen.