Frustrations

19 11 2008

Sometimes X makes me really upset.

Tonight, I was on edge about a lot of things. I’m worried about classes and grades. I have a 10 page research paper due on Thuesday, and a 4 page paper due at 9am on Friday. My step-grandma just passed away and I’m trying to hide how upset I am. I judged a debate tourny and now I miss being a part of that world, desperately. I’m stressed to the max and it’s 2am and he decides he needs to be right about something we’re talking about.

I did LD debate for almost 4 years. It’s a logical anaylsis of a resolution. You prove the topic right or wrong using values/philosophies, good arguementation and persuation. It’s not for everyone, and it does take a certain amount of skill and honestly, open-mindedness.

X thinks my debate is stupid. We shouldn’t debate on philosophy!! Only real world things!! Only real world things have any worth!! Philosophy doesn’t solve problems, how can you put any worth in philosophy. Real world!!

John Locke’s Second Treatise on Government was used to write our constitution. Marx’s Communist Manefesto has been used in various communist societies. Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs is used in management theories in the US public sector. Philosophical ideas are reflected everywhere, they can be applied to so many things. But X firmly belives that they have no real world applications. And thus, LD, something I loved dearly in high school, the one things I have been INTENSLY passionate about he takes and basically throws down into the mud. While he holds his high and mightly idea of debate up above it all, like it’s perfect.

X is going to FAIL in politics if he continues to debate the way he does. Making people intentionally upset is a cheap way to win debates. And he’s even admited before that if he can throw the other person off and make them upset, then that’s a win. I feel like he enjoys getting me upset over things, and he likes seeing me on the verge of tears because he thinks he’s winning.

He can never admit he’s wrong and that’s a huge flaw. I just got out of his car and walked away because I was so upset with him tonight. Insulting LD and devaluing it without a clear understanding of it is incredibly offensive to me.

I was talking to him via AIM, and he said he had to go to bed and I said I had one last thing to say. He signed off. Didn’t give a shit. All I was going to say was that this debate was over. I was no longer going to discuss it. But he left because he’s a jackass.

And now I’m crying. And I won’t be able to sleep. Because I can’t go to sleep angry at someone. He broke my rule. I don’t think he knows about it. But he broke it. I don’t ever go to bad mad at someone. Because I can’t sleep. And now I’m mad. And I can’t sleep and I’m pissed off because even though I’m mad at him, I wish he was here to hug me. GAH.

Just kill me now.





Now I’m Just Annoyed

11 09 2008

He ended up driving four hours to basically beg her to take him back. And then four hours back.

He skipped his classes and called off work.

I’m sorry. That’s pathetic.





Party Too Hard

30 08 2008

Last night was bad……

My one friend, BFY, dragged me out last night. Bad idea. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. We went to a house party where I played Kings and Beer Pong and did shots. My alcohol tolerance is way down so I got fucked up really quickly.

For the first time since I started college, I got sick from drinking. Really sick. I threw up for a good ten minutes at the party while this guy, we’ll call him S, held my hair back. And then I wrapped myself around my toilet at home for who knows how long before finally going to sleep. Thankfully, I’m not really hung over right now.

But other than that, S and I exchanged numbers last night. He was my beer pong partner and I guess he was cute. We made out some on the stairs inside the house before I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. He asked me if we could go to lunch sometime because he thinks I’m a really cool girl. I said we could. And before that, he tried to get me to go home with him. He kept telling me that his dorm was the closest one to here and I should go home with him. But I looked him in the eyes and told him I don’t do that. He said he normally doesn’t either but that he really liked me.

And honestly, had I been more than just ever so slightly attracted to him, I probably would have. But the chemistry that would make me want to go home with him just wasn’t there.

Also, he’s not really my type at all. Sober, I don’t think I would have looked twice at him. But I have a bad habit of being really flirty and willing to kiss anyone when alcohol is in my system. S is too baby faced for me. He’s on the taller side, but he’s built on the bigger, you can tell he drinks and parties a lot, side too. I like my boys skinny and lanky.

I kept thinking (and texting) X last night. He didn’t respond to any of my texts which kind of made me a little sad. But whatever. He’s home this weekend and had some sort of nice party to go to. Last night, when I felt sick, I just wanted him to be there and kiss my forehead and tell me how stupid I was. I just wanted him to hold me until I felt better.

I guess part of the reason I wasn’t attracted to S was because he wasn’t X. He wasn’t super tall and super skinny. He didn’t have shaggy light brown hair and blue-grey eyes. He wasn’t sarcastic and witty. And he didn’t have a scruffy beard for me to dislike. Sigh….